she hates me it's the first song of a lot and it's not about a girl it's about what is my own fault i like to beat myself up i'm fiendin' for the rot i like to beat myself up i like the bitter taste a lot my own blood swirling around my little eyes over and over till it's blockin' out the sky now it's gettin' colder and colder all the time there's a lot of shit i said a lot of shit i did not but it's over now cuz she was way too fuckin' hot a pistol in her handbag the way her brothers fought it's something i can't understand it's something i almost forgot but i like to beat myself up i been hatin' myself a lot

when i get really sick and my hands cannot get warm (my fever dream girl is beside me) (in our two-man sleeping bag) on the floor of her fathers basement she whispers something mean to me (we watch the new arrivals section) (and never take them back because) we can sneezin' on the dvd's and playing lots of wii sports (my fever dream girl is beside me) (and we both know that i'm asleep) i'm off my head on benadryl and the ceilings made of jazz charts (she washes me in colors) (until i'm runnin' down the walls again) when I get really sick and my head is full of gore (my fever dream girl is beside me (to tell me all her favorite jokes and on the roof of her father's apartment she flips off the parking lot (and underneath the stairwell) (she kisses all the local boys) and when I wake up to find her she is gone to the grocery store (the neighbors haven't seen her) (she just vanished into the woods) police don't bother looking since she didn't have a name (and I'm curled up in the bathroom) (trying to get sick again)

teleprompter beaming evening news into your second half coffee mug spilled into your second wife's purse that you didn't really have the money to buy yet but you're just stoned there not even sure how you got there in front of the cameras; red lights flashing as you read this shit to the viewers at home lashing words of panic and doomsday the last words have all left their breaths lashing words of panic and end times last words always leave with breaths but you're just stoned there not close enough to heaven and too far from weed land but you're just stoned there but you're just stoned there you're on in five make it up as you go flashing words of panic and doomsday the last words have left their breaths flashing words of panic and end times the last words always leave with breaths and you're just stoned there not close enough to heaven and too far from weed land and you're just stoned there you're on in five make it up as you go

i'm so high oh i may never come down from the roof of bradley's sister's big mouth i was speakin that sweet sweet waterbed language i was lost in translation like a drunk fool i was motel prom night won't you tell me my future? i've been tearing at the suture for so long now it's midnight and you're sleeping i'm still up by the window waiting for the circus to come and haul me away (hey guys it's oliver) (can you come pick me up please) i'm standing on the ledge of not giving a fuck booze in one hand and my life in the other oh i thought of my single mother how could I break her heart i was speakin that sweet waterbed language get off of my dick and into your brother's car cuz i'm afraid of ending my life on prom night especially here with you and all the ways you tear me apart

(paint huffer) (paint thinner huffer) i can’t wait to get home and glue my brain shut stepping out and up up away from the world for a bit my name is oliver and i rarely attend 8th grade i have alopecia and my hair falls out on my class mates i act tough and beat up 6th graders with my friends i taught myself guitar and then sold it for another hit i got a long ways to go my daddy says my growth may be stunted but it feels like i’m getting taller i hate my teachers and my parents don’t like em much either my mom sleeps all day and i’m almost always eating pizza it gets really bitter cold in the house through these long kentucky winters my dad works down at a valvoline and is hardly ever home for dinner but when i do see his dead beat ass he’s almost always in a brand new rental car and in the backseat there’s an old baseball glove when i get bored i struggle to fit it back on i think about another version of myself all made up of different atoms and cells a version of me more perfect more pure when i could play catch with my dad in the summer i can't wait to get home and glue my brain shut stepping out and up up away from the world for a little bit

windows rolled up it's still raining on me what is that i see another face in the crowd and i don't say a thing i'm in the cab you paid for with the money that you made at summer camp selling acid to ninth graders and the more i think between bouts of meaningless conversations i'm getting tired of taking cabs the city looks so lifeless through tinted mirrors windows reflections of another time another time

i wanna be the next big driver busting out on the scene hitchin’ bitches and brand new trailers as far as the eye can see death to all those yuppies and if i crash woe is me but I’m destined to be a big nascar driver one day soon you’ll see i wanna have a brand deal and i wanna be a star a position of power i can hold to be revered in every bar enough money for my kids kids and 4 dimensional car space ship with my name on it and the first man to walk on mars i wanna be a public figure or a pawn in marketing scheme I’m destined to be a big nascar driver one day soon you’ll see i wanna be a public figure or a pawn in “pansey” scheme I’m destined to be a big nascar driver one day soon you’ll see (trailer sounds)

god plays with spiders and i watch the news theres a heat wave coming and it's taking us too sun shines hot and the clouds break the sky i go outside and look up and wonder why i am only seven but i got 8 bruises for my birthday maybe it'll drown out all the jerks at school or maybe it'll make each day an endless summer maybe it'll make the rain turn black maybe it'll make my hair grow back maybe i won't feel a thing anymore at all when i turn 30 and the sun is gone i am only seven but i got 8 bruises for my birthday

grinding the whip into my back my friend the bastard had a rough night tonight when we pulled up, cloaked in black my friend the bastard got in a little fight tonight we raised hell and wound up in jail with my friend the bastard with us in our cell bloody and broken and torn from his shell he told us his story he said i was stolen he said i was raped he said i was wild before i was tamed and when i went septic and i started drowning every one loaded up and sailed to the moon gnashing his teeth into my eyes my friend the bastard kept me up all night tonight when we pulled up, naked with guns my friend the bastard swallowed his pride they ripped out the trees (repeating) and built a big dome and set me on fire and called me their home and built their big walls (repeating) and killed all the reefs (repeating) and fussed and bickered till they all went extinct

i was probably 6 or 7 i had never left Kentucky me and my mom went to stay with a relative I had never met you can’t stay here go and find a hotel (he was a dick) we couldn’t stay there so we found a hotel (he was an asshole) you can’t stay here go and find a hotel amusement park across the road i do not have enough money for you my 7 year old brain and the flashing lights i stayed up that night just to look outside in my dreams i am sneaking out of our room and down the stairs to the hotel lobby across the dormant desert road into the dark and endless adventure and when we finally left arizona my dad flew in later to stay with us we had been to the grand canyon but i was more so affected by the amusement park and so that plane trip back home i slept through the whole damn flight and dreamt about teenagers and ice cream cones and the screams of joy coming from the coasters i thought of my stressed out mom who had told me to shut up when she was stressed out at a red light and i thought of our messy hotel room we had trashed because we didn’t have much money to do stuff and that’s what woke me up that’s what brought me back down to earth waking up from the dream and touching down i was just happy to be somewhere

i'm gonna kick your ass when i see you at school today i'm gonna smoke some grass in the bathrooms at school today me and my boy gonna listen to some crass in the computer lab at school today we smoke our clove cigarettes in class when i am at school today and no one's gonna stop me because i'm coked out of my mind and no on'es gonna stop me because i'll blast them if they try oh how they try i'm gonna tear your fuckin' throat with that stupid moped bike chain ride that trash around my trailer park like you fucking own it your daddy beats you well and i'm adding onto it i'm always pissed as hell because i didn't sleep good and no one here can stop me from saying the shit that is on my mind and no one's gonna stop me because i'll rob em if they try oh how they try put my head up to the bricks my daddy seen my knuckles bloody and nicotine hand rolled stained i knew i was in trouble so when i get to school today you'll see your head in the toilet's bubbles and my heart will keep turning rolling over black like the color of my eyelids and my heart will keep turning black like the color of my hair and your heart will keep turning black like the color of your eyelids

before it costs money to breathe remember the time i got free sneaking out of the trailer park coasting down through the snowy hills dirt bike picking up speed get far away before i let the engine roll and do it's thing cold spikes through my ski mask climbing now losing speed fingers bleeding gaining traction and lights beam above the upper edge of the hill night time dwindling as the sun beats me to the top and soft grass breaks through the ice so before the air runs thin remember the time i got free at the top of the hill peaking in front of the skyline we couldn't reach

bring on the adhd pills momma stuff em way down deep in my head mr. president's cunt wife said no child left behind and now my shit-head brothers are dead in the lake from dealing my prescription amphetamines snorting them up for fun and selling them to the high school jocks all singing about the war we won strap up get ready football star your face is slowly turning blue you made it out of the trailer park with a steaming hot scholarship to purdue strap up get ready big football star your big day's coming up soon to bumble-fuck stacy on television and watch yourself in saturday morning cartoons in your mansion where you film those 30 second promos telling kids to go out and exercise while you count the rings around big wigs' toes getting fatter and slower every second every minute of every sunday so you turn back to the old amphetamine that your neighbor sold to you back in the day go to the cabinet look for your child's name you didn't even think when you saw the bottle go to the cabinet look for your child's name you didn't even think you just got it over with

will they call my name on the intercom tomorrow morning? how many heads will raise up off desks? or a calm wave of nonchalant faces turning red and flushing coke and shaking i hope you feel like you're floating in this very moment because you all know that i am i hope you all feel like you're floating because you know in this very moment i am will i go to heaven? or has god run out of room and given up filing for bankruptcy and closing down that big hotel in the sky i hope you feel like you're floating in this very moment because you all know that i am i hope you all feel like you're floating because you know in this very moment i am will they call my name on the intercom tomorrow? will they all sit back and laugh?

roger cut the hole out of his nose last summer and now it's grown back twice as big cocaine pinky nail grinded down to the bone hands soaking in blood lifeless and spilled out over the tarmac he could've my friend he might've my friend but it could've happened to anyone of us cocaine pinky back snapped in half hands soaking in blood lifeless and spilled out over the tarmac and now no one at school says they knew him and no one acts like he is someone and now to everyone he is no one and to his parents he was a stain a reminder of where they went wrong a ghost with a first and last name a reminder of where they went wrong a ghost with a first and last name

wonder if they know wonder if they care she’s only a freshman and she’s making her rounds again through the foster care system it has failed her once again once again it’s tough sleeping on the floor she says i am sorry i am sorry and it’s quiet until the bell rings so now we can go and talk about some dumb shit to our dumb shitty friends who will notice her belly in a month or two when the semester ends once again i think her name was gabby and she was beautiful and trashy rust deep in her iris i could see she’d seen some shit she disappeared sometime before the semester could conclude and i never had her number because she never had a phone and i am sorry i am sorry i’m not the father of her baby did she have it did she have it i will never know once again once again i am sitting by the christmas tree trying to find the words that i was reaching for back then maybe she is dead i mean i met her at rehab and in our group there was a kid i remember his name was anthony and anthony was there for drinking since he killed his only friend in a car crash he watched her bleeding and she said he didn’t have to be strong so once again i am sorry and i can see it in my mind it happens clearly all in one motion before i have to stop myself from screaming but i never took those pills the ones that i had been accused for and so i sat among my new friends and i pretended to understand and i am sorry i am sorry for all my lying i am sorry what it really comes down to was a child of divorce who had [smoked weed] twice (huffed glue) (dropped acid) but he is gone and i’m still here at this christmas tree like a jackass pretending once again like i have learned from others' suffering...

the final dream is the conclusion to the dream about jimmy, a 24 year-old nascar fanatic who still lives in his parent's trailer. simultaneously, it's also the conclusion to the dream about the beautiful girl. where did she go? listen up and listen close. and listen good. because according to the dream, jimmy's little brother seen the whole thing.

(his name is jeffery and if you meet, i'm sure he'd go on and on about his best friend oliver and all the fun they have together.) ever since older brother won the lottery all he ever done was act strange his stock car just collects rust in the yard where the grass is up to your waist and the cops are on his ass they found a girl that they think killed and i'm not gonna say I think that he did it but the way he's been acting he's not trying to hide it and he knows that he can't buy happiness he knows what the advertisements hiding he got the car he wanted but he said it just doesn't feel right he can't bring himself to satisfaction and he's been taking it out on the pets i'm pretty sure he killed skipper there's new bullet holes in his old el camino and he's ripped the radio out of the dashboard i'm pretty sure he murdered the neighbors he's been hanging out in their trailer and it's been 3 months since the last time i seen him and mom stayed gone to the cleaners and pa went to the store forever he's been licking his lips in the corner and i catch him staring at my neck while i'm sleeping sharpens his teeth with the buffer slaps out the windows with a tire iron he's been shooting up diluted grease and i'm pretty sure he's dead set on dying master shit head idolizer has broken the mold and set himself on fire and that nameless girl is still dead in the river and skipper's leg still pokes out of the overgrowth of a yard swallowing all memorabilia novelty shirts advertising dystopia coca cola santa and a fuck ton of neon bar signs now they're dragging him out of the neighbors and finding their bodies and him drinking blood oh the horror i knew it was real i knew it was real and i didn't stop it

i looked out my window to my disdain everyone except me is walking away and taking with them friends and laughter everyone except for me moving forward i looked out my window to my disdain everyone except me is walking away and taking with them friends and laughter everyone except me is moving forward i'm stuck in my bedroom writing songs about real women but i'm too scared to say that i love them i'm too scared to say that it's true everything you've suspected of me everything i've ever wanted to be was never for you because i'm a selfish prick i woke up today and i wanted to call you i've never even heard the sound of your voice sometimes i can't even remember what you look like i looked in the mirror to my disdain everyone except me is finding their way and taking with them new friends and laughter everyone except me is moving forward

i won’t try to stop you if you wanna to leave but this wasn’t my first idea of divinity our names splinter backwards inside the eggshell white copy machine and clocks ticking backwards like something out of a dream i watch our old bedroom transforming into boxes and the cars are looking different as i start getting more alone helping me move in to this new flat won’t make it feel anymore or any less like home i want you notice how much i’ve gotten better i even stopped drinking and i stopped wearing so much cologne hoping you might take me back i write you this letter thinking i might be romantic after court dates have been postponed i think you might still love me because i know it’s in you somewhere the ground is getting hotter beneath our feet everyday but it is this constant cat and mouse and the meetings with teachers and the fees from the counselors that keep me pushing you back away so instead i have been looking for old friends in the lowest of all high places and scraping out from the bottom what i think might fuck me the best and actually committing it to memory and getting it down on paper i didn’t even want the fucking thing so now he’s your mess oliver wouldn’t have much to do here besides stay in and play his video game and i no longer want to argue i only want to place blame and i keep stirring the fucking pot with absent father child support payments and constant drunk phone calls only furthering the pain and when he asks his father who the woman is and he hears her disavow his mother he’ll say he fucking hates her and wonders why i’ve changed but i can play these cards just right because i’ve been playing them for years and spin the blame on him and cut him up with his tears

i took your acid cab and broke through the city limits to go see a childhood friend passing rusted cars and boarded up valvoline stations i wanted to be 8 years old again pulling up to the old grey trailer the devastation still lying dormant paid the cabbie and stood there drowning in the rain oh decaying metal playground twisting up into the sky like lightning or some immortal affectation a tribute to an undead world it was a burning a hole through my coat so i knocked on the thin aluminum and heard shouting and then a crash and i started the other way turning around to hear the voice of an old pal his mother standing behind him cooking eggs and talking loud on the phone to a friend about their crazy neighbor or some shit like that i looked across the street and saw the muddy police tape trampled in the grass "why don't you come inside," he said and my head spun around seeing oliver still in 8th grade and rubbing my salty eyes revealing a more than beaten boy with bruises and smile lines hiding a brain that is full of glue and potential alibis i said "no thanks do you wanna take a cab down to the falls before it's too late to see something beautiful before it's replaced by walls it can be like no one else exists like we're standing at the brink of end all like we're both alone in the universe and there's nothing we can lose and there's no one gonna take it because there's nothing we can lose and we won't let anyone take that away from us i love you so much."

on the other side of the falls i see another version of myself and the great blue heron sneaking up behind me he can't live here anymore he just flies in for the holidays loud and painful crunching bottles of whiskey beneath his feet dancing in his own puddle of blood this is his own materialistic symbol to bear now (blood) but i still hold an intention of my own desired perfection through the reflection of the falls